Well, I have talked to Ryan some more. He’s as of now leaning toward not seeing me at all now that he’s with Jenny. He originally said he would be okay with doing stuff with me and being with Jenny simultaneously, but now apparently he has changed his mind.He is as indecisive about his sexuality as a Mexican jumping bean is about which side it prefers to be upright. I’m tempted to say that I hope he and Jenny break up, but I wouldn’t say that. I want him to decide who he is. When I was his age, I was with Heather, and I really believed I was straight and I would grow up with Heather and grow old with her. When that relationship faded away, (I still do not know when it ended) I had to consider who I was. I was devastated that she stopped wanting to be with me, but I did not know what to think. Then I guess I was helped into my current mentality by Faustino. Who knows if I’ll change again? Right now though, it seems like I am more a gay teen than I am straight teen, and I am pretty sure I want to be with a guy.
I’m sure I’ll be thinking about Ryan pretty constantly for a while. I’m sounding like Faustino, because he always told me he was thinking about me, and it annoyed me. How we are what we despise is interesting.
I haven’t listened to Classical music for a long time, so I’m downloading and listening to Vivaldi’s Four Seasons concertos and some other stuff by him. Antonio Vivaldi lived over 200 or 300 years ago, and his music is still considered great today. That is absolutely astounding to me. Some bands that were around 5 or 10 years ago are unheard of today, and yet the classics of centuries ago are still around and just as emotionally potent and touching as they ever were.
Talk of great time spans makes me wish I could live to see it all for centuries or millennia to come. I am going to consider having my entire body cryogenically frozen when I get nearer to an age at which I might die. I really feel horrible when I think of all the lives that are forgotten. I think everyone should live forever.
I’m listening to Autumn of the Four Seasons of Vivaldi, and it’s cheering me up! Yea! I love Classical music. I’m going to download some every night.
I was reading some random sites about being Goth. I lost my train of thought–well maybe I didn’t but I don’t want to say it because Ryan will end up reading this because I will force him to and he will think I am dumb. I was thinking about passing people who are dressed ‘weird’ in the halls. I thought of Rob T. I never spoke to him, but I never made eye contact with him. If I see him tomorrow, I am going to look at him and smile if I can. Maybe we’ll end up talking and he can give me advice. I was just debating whether or not I should talk to him and tell him I was gay because I know he is, and I don’t know if I would enjoy doing gay stuff with him or not. But I’m not going to judge people any more. What happens will happen.