Sunday, March 07, 2004 12:16 PM

I skipped another month. I am horrible. I�ve had the weirdest month of my life, sort of.I�ve been really enjoying thinking about John. I guess I overdid it. Since last time I wrote, John drove me to my dad�s house and we did a lot together. I even felt like kissing this time. I returned every favor he did for me, and more. I really enjoyed it. My dream was, however, shattered not 30 minutes ago. Maybe a little longer than that, but just recently. I finally asked John what the heck I was to him. In his words, he is sorry for leading me on, for that was the dumbest thing he could�ve done. Now I am pretty torn. I kept wishing that something would happen between us, but that is not going to happen.

I said something dumb, (�Do you blow all of your friends?�) and he was suddenly offline. I called, and he said that was un-called for and he was working on homework. He told me he would be back online in twenty minutes, but that has already passed. I even took a really hot shower.

In waiting for him to return, I wrote him this message:

Okay, here goes:

I had just met you, and I thought you were really nice and hot and everything. You talked to me, which was a plus. Then you started visiting me at my locker after school, as if you didn’t have any better friends to visit with, and you talked to me on the phone quite often for quite a while. I liked that all. I really did. I had myself convinced that if you were simply a friend, you wouldn’t do all of that. If I were straight, I most certainly wouldn’t meet a girl, talk to her on the phone for hours, visit her locker and on top of that have sex with her, and then say, “Yeah, we are only friends, nothing more.”

That is why I was confused over you. Granted you rarely if ever called me, and never seemed extremely happy to talk to me, I should have known better. Also, I’m not torn up over the fact that you came over and we did stuff, I just would have liked to know what you were thinking. Obviously I am not a firm believer in only doing sexual stuff with your soul mate, but I would have liked to know what level it was on. So yeah, please don’t be mad at me….it’ll take me a while to get over it…and if your thoughts of me ever happen to change, I would love that. There I go dreaming again…

Yeah so I don�t know. Also since I last wrote, I met Gib. www.xy.com. // ?>He convinced me to go bowling with him one Saturday night, which happened to be Valentine�s day. His mom then drove us to his house, and I stayed the night. We slept in his bed and had some fun. I was so happy to be with him, I totally put aside my feelings for John.

Gib has a boyfriend now and I am utterly alone.