I need inspiration. I feel like I might very well be inspired, but when I try to draw from that inspiration and create poetry, it fails to impress my peers. Perhaps I should instead channel that energy into art, for visually I am inclined, and fear of acceptance and appreciation is not dependent on other people’s reactions, but my satisfaction with the final result. Ryan is now the boyfriend of Jenny NoLastName. This has been my fear over the last few weeks. He said he still wants to do something with me, but not tomorrow. I lost him. As I told him in my chat, all of my potential friends of his nature follow this sequence: hope, doubt, despair.
I have longed to be closer to him. Not to him, but to how he is. My style is undefined. He suggested that I should be Goth. I have several times in the past been inspired to do just that, but having a style is too much work. On second thought, I am not un-Goth because I am too lazy. I like who I am. I just wish other people would appreciate me more. I am also being unfair to myself in saying this. I do have a lot of people that care for me. I probably have more people care for me than many other people have. But I am not deserving of this either. I am an interesting person, but when it comes for standing up for what I believe in, I sometimes stumble on the way up to standing. I’m being dishonest again. At this point in time I am likely to not stand up for a friend in need, for fear of suffering the same fate. I portray myself as someone who I am not. For this I am ashamed.
Tonight has led me to make a partial conclusion. I should not try to be someone who I am not, but rather improve who I am. Perhaps there are qualities others have that I myself should strive for, but my reasons for striving for those qualities must not be based in my interest for self-gain by deceiving the ones I love.
Here is the chat I had with Ryan, and the chat Ryan had with Jenny in part:
(SORRY, THIS FILE NO LONGER EXISTS)
I am yet questioning who I am. Here are some attempts at poetry I have made tonight:
Sometimes life gets me down
So much to do, but so little time
Things fall through
I just let things slide
I lack the motivation
To be successful
My natural talents lie wasted
When will I pull it together?
I think of the future
And hope that my life
Is worth the time I spent here
Often am I regretful
Of what could have been
What should have been
How lazy I have been
Do I matter?
Sure, people care for me
Or so I hope
But do I matter?
What impact have I left?
So many things are possible
Yet so few have I achieved
During this time of growth and change
How I long to be someone else
To live a better life
Is there such a thing?
I want to be normal
Normal is dangling from a fishing pole
In front of everyone’s heads
They long for normal
They pursue normal
But are their pathetic endeavors ever successful?
They are not
The turning point of one’s life
Is when one comes to realize
That it will never happen as you want
But as it needs to be
Often I ponder of the future
When my life is long past
Where is civilization headed?
Does it matter?
I need reassurance
That my being is worthwhile
I hate pessimism
But I can’t find optimism
How can I look forward
When of the past I am so vividly aware?
Does life get better from here?
Or will I start to dig
When I reach the bottom
Of this steep hill
Perhaps there is only one way to find out
Waiting, however, is my fear
Fate may lead me to it
But if I let fate take its course
It all might just pass me by
That is all for tonight. Farewell.