Start of secret journal, death of Carol Bartlein, Sexual Orientation Struggles
This is the start of my journal. Sure, I have had many attempts to start a journal in the past, from the news section on my website to notebooks, etc. As I locate these other writings of mine, I will add them to this file. I pledge, from now on, to write in this journal at least once a week, preferably every day. By using a Microsoft Word file for a journal, it should be more convenient for me to write in and track my thoughts. Right now I am listening to Rock ‘n’ Roll Suicide by David Bowie. I like this song so far. I just discovered it a few days ago when I was playing random songs from my music library, which currently consists of 1,900 songs. I’ll discuss my feelings on file sharing at another point, but most, if not all of my music was downloaded with no intention to pay.
I was in San Diego this past weekend through Tuesday. Around 12:45 p.m. Pacific time while I was in the shuttle headed towards the airport, I was on the phone with my mom. She informed me, along with my sister and brother Tim that Ms. Carol Bartlein had passed away. JB and Jeff, two kids in my brothers classes, were her children. I am in Boy Scouts with JB, and Mr. Jim Bartlein was often a leader. Mrs. Bartlein was not all that old, in her 40′s. Apparently she had some health conditions such as diabetes and heart problems. I don’t know all the details, but I heard she suffered a massive heart attack at her home a few nights ago. The funeral is this Friday, and I decided I would go.
Death is a topic that intrigues me, makes me feel depressed, and yet it can somehow enlighten and inspire me, leading to optimism and a longing for the future. When I hear of somebody dying, it does not amuse me by any means. However, I rarely find myself overcome by my emotions as many people get. This could be due to the fact that nobody real close to me has ever died. My step-dad, Ricky’s sister Sylvia, who lived at my house for a year or two, passed away when she was back in Mexico visiting her family. She was staying with us because the medical treatment was better here than in Mexico. I was saddened to hear that she had passed away, especially since she was visiting her parents or something. I did not however dwell on it, and it caused me no great suffering. I have a way of stepping back and analyzing the situation, and when I conclude that it is possible to keep moving forward, I do just that.
As long as I am starting this journal, I should mention that I am in the middle of a struggle with my sexuality. As far as I can tell, I am a gay teen. Unfortunately I do not have many friends who share this unique quality, but I do hope that some of my friends decide to enlighten me. Part of the problem is that I have only told two people, Courtney O and Sarah G. Both go to my high school, Hartford Union High School. Sarah is a sophomore this year like me, and Courtney is probably more of a junior, however she has had some problems with classes, so she might be considered a sophomore. I decided I could trust them, for one reason or another, over the summer. I explained my story to each, and they were, needless to say, stunned. They were, however, supportive and understanding.
I have homework left to do yet, and it s 10:14 p.m., so I should probably sign off for now. Look forward to explanations of what I have written above, and a deeper look into the real me. Thanks for reading.
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