I’ve been a slight mess of late. Not unprovoked, but I could certainly stand to take a deep breath and reassess more frequently.

Wednesday I was again expecting to do dinner and maybe a movie and spend the night with the guy I like. After hours of (infrequent on his part) text message exchanges, he basically changed his mind about wanting to hang out. And of course the whole night I didn’t commit to anything else, including getting any real work done. So the result was a sad, disappointed and unproductive Charlie.

Thursday was a repeat basically. I started to get so sick of the unreliability, I wondered if it was worth it. I don’t know if I should take such offense to people disregarding plans and being generally unresponsive… it’s just totally different than how I act. Perhaps I’m just such a loser I actually have time to respond to people reaching out to me. Hmm. But anyway, he seems to genuinely care when I’m with him, so it always seems to get better.

Come Friday, I thought we were going to finally do dinner and hang out the rest of the night. Thursday night he’d said I should come over when my mom got home from work around 4. I ended up not coming until 6, but when I was almost there, I got … the text: “Idk if I can hang with you but I will hang with you tonight.” Immediately crushed, I still tried to pursue dinner. Asked if I could come over and “we’ll figure it out.” “I’m not at home.” “Can I get you? I’m hungry and Josh already ate.” “I’m sorry babe :-(” So then it was clear. I wrote a strongly worded text, to which he finally told me he couldn’t eat with me but would see me later.

I really wish he could just be upfront with me, instead of wasting my time and hurting my feelings. Anyway, I went to Josh’s and awaited his text. And it finally came, so I went and got him. I was a bit cold, but warmed up after he told me tonight we would be “boyfriends,” he wanted to make it up to me and this was “my” weekend. Joy!

So we drank at Josh’s and headed out to Hybrid for Matt’s birthday/going away party. Lots of people were there, but I spent most of the time talking to Erik W. The boy hung with Josh most of the time from what I could tell. But then. I heard the boy was making out with someone, and sure enough, I found him doing just that with a guy he met at LaCage last weekend. Instantly crushed, again. I was so upset this time I immediately confronted him, told him I was through. And I left. But then I texted right away saying I was waiting for him. I did want to see him, but I also couldn’t bear to see him with another guy.

He responded once or twice, and then stopped responding. I waited till bar time with Josh, weeping and howling more than I have in some time. I’m pretty sure it was only my second or third time completely breaking down for want of a boy.

Around bar time, I moved the van to the bar entrance and realized it was already empty. So he had gone. And wasn’t responding to calls or texts. I felt so hurt, so defeated. I then dropped Josh off at his house and then went to the boy’s place to see if he was there. He appeared not to be, so I waited till about 4 a.m., mind racing the whole time. I felt I would never see him again, and was so upset, I went inside to get my $3000 camera back. If he was going to treat me like that, he certainly wasn’t going to benefit from my generosity. That was my drunk thinking, at least.

So I went back home, still fuming and, well, out of control. I posted all the photos from the camera into an album on Facebook labeled “Photography,” added some of his special friends on Facebook, posted a status update and a message on his wall about what I thought he did to me… all horrible, hurtful mistakes. I now can’t believe the lengths I went to to express my alcoholically amplified pain, all because of a stupid kiss.

A little after 7 a.m., he had finally gotten home and presumably just then read all my texts from throughout the night. He texted “:( let me know if you want to talk or see me today,” and then called a while later asking me to come get him. I was cold, but obliged. I brought him back to my mom’s, and we went to bed until about 3 p.m. After waking, I told him about the stupid things I posted on Facebook. Apparently honesty isn’t the best policy, at least for short term happiness. He completely turned cold again, didn’t want me to touch him, and immediately called a friend to pick him up. The same friend who is in love with him and therefore seems to hate me. Joy.

Times like these… I wish I could just revert to last week and try again. I must seem like such an immature idiot, though I try not to be. Or do I? I’m not sure I try to do anything. I’m generally just myself, but I definitely have stronger reactions when I’m drinking, and when I can’t reach someone, that just gives me time to brood. And that’s not good for anyone.